Pregnancy #1

When I was diagnosed with Lupus in December 2018, the reality of giving up being a mom hit me. I knew very little but I did know it complicated things, and could be catastrophic. We spent the following year putting ideas of starting a family on the back burner while I endured rounds of prednisone, and experimented with methotrexate to combat joint pain.

Half way through 2019 I started having adverse reactions to the methotrexate and stopped taking it overnight. The longer I was off the medication the more I thought about what my options were to start a family. I knew I needed to be off the medication for a minimum of 3 months before I could look into getting pregnant.

I scheduled a pre-conception visit with a local OB in town in October 2019 to get the ball rolling. Needless to say, I didn't come out of this appointment feeling great. He had little to no experience about lupus pregnancies and was very worried about my positive SSA antigen (this can cause heart defects in the baby).

He referred me to a high risk neonatal doctor in St. Louis, so I took that information and off I went.  Early December 2019 we met with Dr. Dan Jackson the neonatal and fetal medicine OB in St. Louis. The appointment went really great, he thought my numbers looked really good and encouraged us to have a baby if the time felt right. We left this appointment super excited and relieved. We celebrated the good news with yummy food, and amazing ice cream!!  I called to get my IUD taken out the following week.

Things felt like they were moving quick! But I was so excited. I was desperately wanting to get pregnant on the first cycle because it would give me a due date in September. I'm trying at all costs to avoid October (It's Logan's birthday, & Damon's birthday on the 9th, followed by my dad's road bike crash on the 10th, and his death on the 12th.... not a good month).  January 6, 2020 I took my first pregnancy test. Well, I took 2... right before Logan went to school. I went and laid on the couch to wait out the 5 minutes and I was so nervous. I got up and wandered back into our bathroom to find 2 pink lines! I hollered to Logan from the bathroom "Uhhhhhh... I think I am pregnant??". It all felt so surreal, but we were SO excited and couldn't believe it was actually happening!!

My body felt sooo good. I was having no joint pain at all. It was a miracle!!
We attended Logan's school prom a few days after we found out and I just couldn't stop thinking about how excited I was and couldn't believe we were going to be parents!

Morning sickness started kicking in, I was constantly starving and the nausea was a nightmare. But, I was sleeping realllly great (WITHOUT sleeping pills). It was my 23rd birthday so we planned a trip to Grinnell, Iowa to reminisce about where we met. It turned out to be a complete flop, but we ended up getting a Costco trip out of it, so it wasn't really that bad. Logan purchased an Air Fryer he'd been eyeing for months. The SMELL of the damn thing nearly kills me. I can't even hear the words "chicken wings" without literally throwing up.

I scheduled my first doc appointment for February 7, 2020. Logan got the day off of school and we flew down to St. Louis via Cape Air. I was excited but so nauseated, it was all I could do to keep eating packages of fruit snacks. We landed, grabbed some Starbucks and Ubered over to Mercy Hospital. We were both incredibly nervous. We went back for our first ultrasound and within seconds there was the tiniest little bean squirming around on the screen. It was a magical moment that made everything feel so real! This is really happening, we are having a baby! Heartbeat was strong at 164 bpm, I was gaining weight, everything looked awesome! We scheduled an appointment for 4 weeks out on March 6, 2020.

The next few weeks went great! The unisom + B6 combo they told me to take before bed helped my morning sickness and as I was approaching 12 weeks I knew I was pretty much in my second trimester!! We would journal together in our baby journal, measure my growing belly & read a hilarious book my mom sent me about parenting. Everything was starting to feel so good.  

March 6, 2020. Logan had school things and I was totally capable of flying down and back for the quick flight. I ubered over the hospital and waited to get called back. I remember sitting on the table and having an uneasy feeling, they took my blood pressure and it was crazy high 170 over something. I calmed my breathing and told myself I was being crazy worrying... everything was fine.

My OB came in with the doppler to check out the heart beat and it wasn't picking anything up. She reassured me things were fine, sometimes these are hard to find so she went to go get a portable ultrasound unit. My stomach started churning. No, not me. Not today. Not while I'm here alone.

She came back and continued searching, we then moved over to the real ultrasound room to see what was going on. It was a no brainer - the giant tv screen that so quickly showed my moving bean a few weeks ago was empty. After a few minutes of her searching, and the ultrasound tech searching she said, "I am so sorry but you have had a miscarriage.... Can your husband or someone come down here?"

No. I am here alone, I literally flew here this morning. I just stared straight ahead, holding back tears and trying so hard to comprehend everything they were saying. My baby's heart stopped beating nearly 4 weeks ago and my body had done NOTHING. This is what they call a missed miscarriage. I was so angry, what do I do next??  

She explained I had 3 options: 1) Wait it out 2) Abortion Pills 3) D&C. Well I know nothing about anything dealing with this so I had her call in the prescription to my pharmacy and said I would take the weekend to figure things out. The ultrasound tech gave me a wad of tissues and out the door I walked to go get some blood drawn to see where my HCG levels were.  I was totally numb. Totally pissed.

I finally got my blood drawn and shot Logan a text to see if he was available. He asked if I could wait 10 minutes, and I said I don't think so. He called me right then. It was absolutely torture to tell Logan over the phone that our baby had died weeks ago and my body wasn't doing anything about it. He was speechless, we both were, we just sat there and cried on the phone. Blah. Even better was I told my parents just a few days before that I was pregnant.... so I also got to call them and tell them the news. I was fried. I ubered back to the airport and sat there, and shed some silent tears.

That weekend was a nightmare. After not sleeping at all I spent hours googling which option I should pick. I was terrified about doing the abortion pills at home, but I was terrified about having to do a surgery. It's a no win situation. Ultimately we decided to go for the D&C.

I called on Monday to schedule something and they couldn't get me in until Friday. A full week. It was a week from hell. I do not recommend.  Thankfully Logan was able to be there. We drove down, went to Red Lobster, got Logan some boba tea, and spent one last night together.

The next morning we went to the hospital, got checked in, and waited for our turn. I had super awesome nurses that made me feel calm and at peace. The actual procedure took about 15 minutes. I felt sad when I woke up, but I also felt peace. It was mentally exhausting to think about everything we had just endured, and I was so glad it was over. I'm always going to love this little babe... wonder what they would've been like when a year rolls around, when they would've started kindergarten, etc.

"There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes." - David Platt