My dad

Maddy's voice wakes me up. Dad crashed on his bike.

I've always been a worrier. Worried about death, accidents, sickness.... constantly worried. I am an enneagram 6, if that tells you anything.

I don't know how exactly I want to lay this out - maybe it will be in a few parts. A record of memories of my dad, starting with the last few years of his life + his death. Something I can add to whenever I remember, think or feel something. My dad + I had a complicated relationship - we were making progress in the last few years of his life. Overwhelming to try and capture it all, but here is my best attempt.

My dad was a people person. He thrived off of interaction but was much more reserved at home to his inner circle.

My sophomore year of high school I would need a ride from the high school to the college during lunch. Many days he would pick me up in his black toyota tacoma and we would go grab lunch before he dropped me off. The car rides were usually pretty quiet. Foo Fighters, Lifehouse or Dave Matthews filled the voids. Cafe Rio or 5 Guys was our go to. He always had a full free meal card at Rio. I enjoyed these small moments with him... between a very demanding job, being in the bishopric + riding his bike he was gone a lot.

He loved music. He knew the lyrics to nearly everything that came on the radio. I thought this was so cool, and have tried to master this skill as well. He would always beat on the steering wheel like it was a drum set. I was invited to attend a Nickelback concert in the summer of 2012 ... and he was SO jealous. I think he contemplated asking to go instead of me. We ended up being able to meet the band and spend a few hours backstage. I loved holding that over his head. :)

We went on a cruise to Mexico July 2012 with the Simister's+ Morris'. Almost every picture from the trip he is pulling some crazy face. When we arrived in Puerto Vallarta, the zip lining company said DO NOT WALK to the meeting location. Get a taxi, it is not safe. Well. I bet you can guess what our entire group of 20+ white people did... we walked down the side of the road, while men on machine guns drove past. Classic Brandon moment.  

I've always seemed to have a boyfriend... and both of my parents did not so typical things to support that. He willingly drove me all across Utah to attend high school football games, waited up for me to come home from very late dates in Cedar City, or got extra hotel rooms so I could bring my boyfriend along on family vacations.

I know he was proud of me. I wish we would have been able to have a relationship to communicate our feelings better. He wrote me a letter that was supposed to be opened while I was at girls camp in 2014... but I didn't attend and ended up stashing the letter away. I didn't find it until years later after he had died. Reading this makes me sad - I can feel how conflicted he felt about being gone so much.  I would pay big money to be able to have even an hour with him to talk.

If my dad ever drove down to Mesquite he would always stop and get Lotto tickets. The best $2 dream you could ever have! One time he said, I wish we could just win so we could get out of town and go to Moab! Moab?! We all burst out laughing. That's really the first place you are going?! A funny text exchange I had with him while I was in Moab.

My dad always joked I would marry a hunter. I said hell no, no way. Well when I started dating Logan he loved to point that out. :)  

May 2015 - I was planning on going to Cedar City to pick Logan up and bring him to St. George for my college graduation that weekend. I came home from work to change and leave to find Logan already there! My dad had picked him up, as well as a cedar chest Logan made me. We were engaged later that evening and celebrated with Rigatti's pizza. I couldn't believe they did all of that without me knowing.

About a month before I got married I was woke up by my cell phone vibrating with a phone call... 5 am. I usually always have my phone on silent so it was unusual to have it be vibrating. It was my dad. My mom and sisters were out of town. He blew both tires on a bike ride in Hurricane and needed me to come and get him. I quickly got dressed and drove out to hurricane to pick him up. It was so dark outside and felt like the middle of the night. I couldn't imagine what he would have done if I wouldn't have answered... and I was startled how scary and dangerous it was for him to he out so early in the dark.

Logan and I were married in August of 2015. We lived in Cedar City, UT and were both full time students at SUU. I was in an awkward gap year... I did not get into hygiene school the year prior, so I was taking filler classes for a year waiting to apply again.

The phase of life was incredibly difficult. I was driving to St. George every other day to work, and working hard to just survive.

One early morning drive to St. George, right before I was about to exit the freeway I hit something in the road and blew the tire. I carefully limped to the parking lot to find a shredded tire. I called my dad and he left work to come to my rescue. He spent the entire day putting on the spare, taking it to Costco for new tires, paying for the tires and making sure I was okay.

January 2016 I applied to hygiene school again and I was denied again. Complete devistation. I called my mom + dad bawling. They dropped everything they were doing, and drove to Cedar City to be with me. We ended up at Sports Authority... my dad wanted some new asics and ended up buying me a pair too. He couldn't decide between two pairs... one was extremely comfortable but they were neon yellow. Super out of his comfort zone! We talked him into getting both, but he didn't get brave to wear them very often.

On my 19th birthday my dad called me to tell me happy birthday. It was my first birthday not living at home. He told me he loved me and was proud of me. A phone call that has stuck in my brain very vividly.

A few months later Logan and I were looking at moving back to St. George from Cedar City. My dad suggested that we move in with them, save some money, and focus on school. Absolutely not. It seemed like the craziest thing to ever even consider... but he was persistent.  Him suggesting this was really surprising to me.

Eventually, we decide we will do it. The waiting list for married student housing was miles long... we would move in, get Logan braces, and save some money until a spot opened up.

We had a really good summer all together. We took a family trip to Boston, and settled into a routine.

I'm trying to wake up to make sense of what Maddy is saying. She's crying... Liz follows in behind her crying. Maddy explains that my Mom told her that he had been in an accident and to wait to wake any of us up.

We don’t know anything, was he hit by a car? Was he alone? All we know is he is in surgery with some broken bones.

We sit downstairs and the calls and texts start rolling in. It’s overwhelming because we don’t have any information to pass along.

As I'm typing this I'm unsure how much I want to share. I've never publicly shared my full written experience... and I'm not sure I ever will. Maybe over time I'll feel more comfortable laying out the entire story. So if you read this from time to time and it's changed - that's why.

A few hours passed and we arrived at the hospital. The waiting room was full of people for my dad. He was out of surgery and they said we could go back and see him for the first time.

The man laying in this bed did not resemble my dad in the slightest. It was very overwhelming and the severity of the situation sank in.

The neurologist went over his brain scans with us while they performed another procedure in his room. It was bad. Very Bad. He pointed to the central line of his brain, it was obvious it was no longer in the center. He explained it was off by about 4 mm, which was miles in this situation.

What we think happened was he went to lead the pack of bikers, stood up to pedal and likely his foot was not clipped in causing him to lose control and go head first at 35 mph downhill. (Yes, he had a helmet on... my least favorite question ever).

After a few hours, family arrived and we went back home.

Because it was Monday, it was yard day. So Logan and I mowed the lawn. I watched neighbors and ward members drive past our house.

One of our neighbors was one of the people to let my mom know what had happened. He told his kids that Bishop Jones had crashed. Their oldest put this together to give to my dad. It's remained my favorite.

The following two days were hell. It was midterms at school... I tried to get a math test rescheduled and never heard back so I went and took it. Failed it miserably. Had to photoshop a bear in a forest... what a waste. Hours at the hospital, comforting visitors, it felt like the worst kind of nightmare.

It was very obvious my dad was never going to recover. I felt immense guilt for our relationship and missed opportunities.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016 - we came to the decision to withdrawal life support. That night we kissed him goodbye and drove home one last time. My mom deserves a gold medal for all of this.

In just 72 hours our life had been shattered, never to be the same.

We held two funerals. One in St. George, and another in Henefer. It was so heavy.

I found myself wishing to be living in the past thinking, this time last week, month, year everything was fine. Until it became this time last week, month, year, we were in the middle of hell. It gave me hope to look to the future.

Grief had caused me to restructure my life in almost every way. Having a baby has been my first real life event my dad wasn’t present for. My sisters experienced this much sooner than I did with graduations, college, marriage... Events that he was all present for me. It’s something tricky to navigate… and at times really frustrating.