50

In July, my mom turned 50. We spent months planning - we went all out. Matching shirts, 1973 trivia books, birthday cake, 50+ letters from people who love her, decorations, and I loved planning every second.

I love birthdays. I think they are one of the best parts of life + I enjoy celebrating everyone I love. Another year around the sun is such a gift.

Towards the middle of January, Benson and I were sitting at the train museum waiting for play time to begin. My birthday would be coming up in a few weeks and my dad's 50th would be one week after mine. The stark contrast of celebrating my mom's birthday and his birthday hit me like a train. There would be no planning, no funny shirts, cake, decorations, sentimental gifts... or my dad. I sat playing trains, fighting off the painful tingling in your nose when you want to cry.

The planner in me wanted to do something. Probably more than anything as a way of coping with my grief.

I listen to the podcast, All There Is by Anderson Cooper each week which focuses on grief. Recently he interviewed Ashley Judd, the daughter of Naomi Judd. I loved what she had to say.

“I am finding that and I really encourage people to honor these small impulses. If, if a thought crosses the mind, pay attention to it, consider it a nudge perhaps from your loved one.”

This was my nudge. Throw my dad a party.

My dad loved Martin Guitars. He had John Mayer's signature 2006 edition - it was his prize possession. I can still see him taking out the long umbilical chord (humidifier) out of the center to play it.. but only in a long sleeve shirt because he did not want skin oils getting on the guitar!

When I think of Martin Guitars I also think of guitar posters he had framed in our house. Maddy took them all to college and we rehung them in her living room. They came in different monthly magazines and he framed them all. A picture of a Martin guitar, along side lyrics.

One that sticks out in my brain is the poster that had the lyrics to American Pie by Dan McLean.

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died

I knew all of the lyrics to that 8 minute song early in elementary school. I felt invincible singing all of the lyrics when he had the song on. I can still hear him sing parts of it.

Well, I know that you're in love with him
'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues

So come on, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack Flash sat on a candlestick
'Cause fire is the devil's only friend

So I went out on a search for that poster.

e-Bay had 4. I bought them all.

I spent hours looking through old photos that were uploaded to Costco hoping to find a picture of my dad playing his guitar. It’s funny how something he loved, we have such limited proof of.

The idea of putting something together was starting to feel heavy. Was it dumb? Weird? But I couldn’t shake the nudge.

I called Maddy one afternoon as a way of coping. Within a few moments of mentioning the birthday we both were very emotional. It confirmed we were all hurting and the party must go on!

While I was purchasing Benson’s birthday things I saw pirate plates and cups. I had no use for them, but I bought them anyway. As I was thinking of a birthday theme, The Goonies entered my mind. One of my dad’s favorite movies.

Maddy had my dad’s favorite treats delivered to my house and everything started coming together.

The afternoon of my birthday I finished putting everything together.

• Diet Coke
• Balloon Garland
• Pirate plates + cups
• Almond M+M’s
• Muddy Buddies
• Almond Snickers
• Butterfinger
• Whatchamacallit
• Honey Stinger
• Baby Ruth
• Black Ice little tree
• Sunflower seeds
• Big League Chew
• 1974 Trivia
• 1974 cupcake toppers
• Candles + party hats
• Pirate eye patch

Off to the post office they went!

The packages were received, tears were shed, and laughs were shared.

We met tonight to play some games, eat our snacks, and laughed way too hard! :) I only wish we could’ve shared it with him.

Happy Birthday Dad, we love you + miss you. 🤍